Read My Essay Back To Me By Cueshe

Last week, I read the Babe.net article describing an encounter between comedian Aziz Ansari and a woman identified only as “Grace.” I read about how Ansari allegedly pushed past several verbal and nonverbal cues suggesting that Grace was not comfortable with their sexual encounter. I had a sickening moment of truth: I’ve done that.

It was just over four years ago. I was 22, newly single, and in college. I had just broken up with my long-distance girlfriend of five years and had spent the past few years hearing all about my friends’ and roommates’ hookups. I was excited to be single and date around. I kept a mental list of several women around school whom I wanted to sleep with.

I had an acquaintance, “Julie,” who was on that list. I’m not using her real name here, and I’m writing this piece anonymously, to protect both of our privacy. We had been to parties together, laughed together, and on a couple of occasions, I had walked her home. We liked each other enough to flirt, which eventually turned into the occasional texting conversation or phone call. I got the sense she was attracted to me.

After a couple of weeks of texting, Julie invited me on a trip to her home a few hours away from campus. I felt a little weird about going, as we didn’t know each other very well. But I said yes — to me, the invite felt like a pretty big sign that she wanted to hook up, and I was eager to have sex.

We arranged our travel plans. She would drive her car, and I would sleep over at her place the night before we left because we had to wake up early.

That night, Julie and I hooked up — and I ignored several of her verbal and nonverbal cues telling me to stop. Years later, I have come to believe that I came alarmingly close to raping her. I’m still disturbed by how normal it felt at the time.

The verbal and nonverbal cues I ignored

I arrived at Julie’s house at around 11 pm. We walked upstairs to her bedroom, which was small and cozy, lit by a star-shaped lamp.

I looked around. Her mattress was basically the only thing to sit or sleep on. It was clear — we would be sharing the bed. My face flushed, and my heart beat faster. I took this as a sign that a hookup would happen.

I lay in bed with Julie, her head resting comfortably on my chest, and we talked about this and that. We were dozing off a bit when we both turned on our sides to face each other. I could see her eyes were closed, but I sensed she was still awake. I touched my forehead to hers. She brought her mouth to mine, and we kissed.

As we were making out, we couldn’t find our rhythm. It felt like either her mouth was too small for mine or my mouth was too big. It seemed like she didn’t want to open hers all the way. I kept finding her teeth with my tongue, or going in for a mouth-half-open kiss, only to land on her pursed-shut lips. In the moment, I blamed first-hookup awkwardness.

I moved my hands under her shirt, pulled her close, grabbed her ass, and hoisted her above me so she could straddle my waist. It seemed sexy. She was still kissing me. I took off her shirt and bra.

At some point, I went down on her. I don’t remember any verbal cues to stop, but what I do remember is a significant nonverbal cue: She wasn’t making any sound. No moans, no breaths, no words. She seemed stiff. But I kept going because, well, I thought that oral sex was something people typically enjoyed. I worried I wasn’t doing it right, so I tried different spots and techniques, but nothing changed.

After some time, which I now realize was far too long, I stopped and asked if she was okay. She hesitated before speaking, and sat up.

“I don’t think we should have sex. We’re friends, and I think having sex will make things complicated.”

I responded almost immediately. “I don’t think it will make things complicated. I’m totally fine with figuring that out later.” I kind of laughed, I think, because I thought I was being charming. My feelings at the time were: We’re in the middle of having sex. It’s already complicated. Stopping now doesn’t make it less complicated. I was also horny, and Julie was hot, so I disregarded her feelings; I lurched toward her and starting kissing her neck.

“Are you sure you want to stop?” I whispered in her ear as I moved my hand toward her crotch.

“I just don’t think we should, because we’re friends.”

She never physically stopped me from touching her. At the time, I took thatas a sign that she actually wanted me to continue. Her verbal objections, I convinced myself, were her poetic way of telling me she liked me enough to want to be in a relationship with me.

She was telling me to stop. And I didn’t. At least not at first. Instead, I continued to touch her clitoris, kiss her neck, and take off my underwear. She continued to say nothing and do nothing, and she was still stiff. I rubbed my penis across the outside of her vagina. She was wet. I convinced myself that this was further evidence that she wanted it.

I positioned myself for penetration but paused right before pushing inside her. At that point, things kind of snapped together for me. She didn’t want this — maybe she hadn’t pushed my hand away, but she had verbalized not feeling comfortable doing it. So I stopped.

It took me years to realize that even though I stopped, I’d still violated her.

I don’t remember what I said then. I don’t remember what she said either. But I remember that we talked in bed for a while. It felt normal. The next morning, we drove to her house. I met her mom and her old friends. We saw her old neighborhood. It was polite and pleasant but much less flirtatious. We didn’t have sex. I kissed her on the cheek when I said goodbye. After that, nothing really happened between Julie and me. I saw her around school, but that was it. I still follow her on Instagram.

I remember talking with my roommate after I got home. She wanted to know how my weekend went — I told her that Julie and I didn’t have sex because she wanted us to stay friends. I remember saying, “I hate when people aren’t clear about what they want. She seemed like she wanted to fuck me, so I kept going, but all she kept saying was that it would be weird. If she didn’t want to fuck me, she should have just said so.”

I realize now that this was my problem, not Julie’s.

Toxic masculinity affects all men

I considered myself a feminist back then. I still do — I fight for gender equality, and I actively try to be a better man every day. But it still took me years to realize that what I did to Julie was wrong. It was coercive. She told me she “didn’t think we should have sex,” and I kept trying anyway.

I thought I was getting signals from Julie that she wanted to have sex before the encounter started — the flirting, inviting me to her home. Maybe she did want to have sex. But at some point, she changed her mind or, at the very least, wasn’t sure how she was feeling. It wasn’t enthusiastic consent throughout, and at two different points, she objected. I ignored that.

In the years following the incident with Julie, I began to realize, often while reading articles online about enthusiastic consent, that what had happened between us wasn’t fully consensual. But it wasn’t until I read the Aziz Ansari story and the media conversation surrounding it that I realized the extent of what I had done.

I’m still not sure what to call what I did — assault? Coercion? A violation? What I do believe is this: If I hadn’t stopped when I stopped, I would have committed rape. But in that moment, it didn’t feel that way — it felt normal. I had convinced myself that she still wanted me despite her objections.

I don’t think I’m the only man who has done something like this. I think rape culture is so pervasive that men sometimes don’t realize when we’re actively committing assault. When Grace confronted Ansari via text message after their night together, he responded: “Clearly, I misread things in the moment.”

With Julie, I was aware of her verbal and nonverbal cues. But I had been socially conditioned to believe that women would want to have sex with me if I could convince them. I remember watching teen movies like Superbad and American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile, where men were portrayed as entitled to sex with women simply because these men were virgins and it was their “rite of passage.” My first orgasm was while watching internet porn, where consent to have sex is implicit. My middle school health class taught me about anatomy and drugs, but never consent.

As I aged, I ignored discussions of consent because I believed all sorts of myths about rape: that it’s only something that happens violently between strangers, when the woman is completely drunk, or between a powerful older man and a much younger woman. I never got the message that rape and assault was happening to women all around me and being perpetrated by men just like me.

Toxic masculinity praises sexually active men. Sex is conquest, competition, and a measure of self-worth. There is rarely a punishment for pressuring a woman to have sex with us — there is only, we are taught, the reward of sexual pleasure if we succeed.

But what we need to do is admit our faults. There are a million ways to say no, and we need to stop ignoring them. We need to make “enthusiastic consent” our mantra and keep it in mind whenever we might have sex.

I’m engaged now and have been with the same partner for four years. In the years following the incident with Julie, I’ve changed my behavior in bed. I try to let go of penetrative sex as a goal. I spent my younger years learning about foreplay and intimacy as a “means to an end.” Now intimacy, in all forms, is the end. The best way to get there is to listen to my partner’s words, actions, and body throughout sexual encounters — even if that means stopping sex in its tracks. That is its own form of intimacy.

I haven’t talked to Julie in years. I’ve thought about reaching out to apologize to her, but I’ve decided against it because it could upset her. Instead, I’m committed to continuing to change how I approach sex, and always making sure there is “fuck yes” affirmative consent.

I also want to talk to other men about this issue — it’s a conversation I’ve had with male friends, though not regularly. I remember one instance when two male friends and I were talking about sex, and we all admitted to engaging in some type of coercive behavior. None of us were proud of it. These are the kinds of discussions that need to keep happening.

Men, especially the most liberal, caring, and self-aware among us: look harder at yourselves. Rape culture ends when we stop raping.


First Person is Vox’s home for compelling, provocative narrative essays. Do you have a story to share? Read our submission guidelines, and pitch us at firstperson@vox.com.

In this Storystream

Sexual harassment and assault allegations continue to ricochet throughout Hollywood

View all 142 stories

Tributes to David Foster Wallace.

 

David Foster Wallace frequently broke my heart with lines like this: “The sun was starting to go down over the West Newton hills through the double-sealed windows, now, trembling slightly, and the windowlight against the far wall was ruddled and bloody. The heater vents kept making a sound like a distant parent gently shushing. When it starts to get dark out is when the ceiling breathes. And everything like that.”

—James Sepsey

- - - -

In 2004, I got laid off from my adjunct job teaching creative writing at the Academy of Art College in San Francisco. One of the factors for my firing was the fact that I assigned DFW’s story “Girl With Curious Hair” (not part of the approved textbook!), which the school higher-ups found disturbing and inappropriate. They thought that by exposing students to his work I was encouraging them to write violent, gratuitous stories. I loved what DFW said when James Sullivan asked him about it (for a San Francisco Chronicle story):

Wallace, a creative writing professor at Pomona College who holds a chair endowed by Roy Disney, was surprised to hear that his story might have been instrumental in an expulsion and a fellow teacher’s dismissal. “If this college is taking it upon itself to protect kids,” he said, “there are going to be a whole lot more books other than mine that they would not want them reading. You don’t punish a kid for doing a story that’s all [gratuitous content], because they’re beginners,” he said.

He acknowledged that potentially offensive material was a delicate topic on college campuses. “This stuff gets really tricky,” he said. “It’s a combination of moral spasms and legal terror.”

Like so many, I am heartbroken over the loss of my favorite living writer. He has expanded my understanding of fiction, and, yes, of life, to include millions of subtle possibilities, all of them sparkling and tricky, none of them morally simple.

— Jan Richman

- - - -

In the early 1990s, I was a creative-writing student at the University of Arizona. DFW had blown through there a little while before my time, but his presence was still felt. U of A was a grind and a little insular, and there was always the sense that you could be ostracized for not writing a certain way, so I’m not surprised he didn’t stick around. There was always a sense that this Wallace guy—who was already published and in his early days of celebration—would be huge once people found out about him outside the walls of academic fiction. I followed DFW around over the next few years, even lived in some of the places he writes about in Infinite Jest (Tucson; Beverly, Massachusetts; etc.). He wrote so beautifully about pain, but who knew he was just like us?

—Craig Belanger

- - - -

The first time I finished Infinite Jest, I had to pick up the phone. I needed to talk to someone. I needed human contact, a genuine connection, in the face of the loneliness of the book. I’ve wondered if this was intentional: that we were meant to be so saddened we had to reach out, to forget our petty concerns, and to feel the warmth of other people.

The commencement address DFW gave at Kenyon convinces me that this compassion and connection, this humanness, was what he wanted. This passage comes to mind:

But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell-type situation as not only meaningful but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

I did not know Mr. Wallace, but I know what his work means to me. Whether he was writing about addiction, John McCain, tennis, or dictionaries, he taught me that irony and apathy mask the truth of how we feel, and that we are capable of much more, that beauty and transcendence are out there, and we just need to know to look for them.

—Namir Y

- - - -

The word “genius” is so overused that it is now nearly devoid of meaning. Yet I can’t think of a word that describes David Foster Wallace more accurately. His writing reflects knowledge and understanding and perhaps even command of a multitude of disciplines, from mathematics to medicine, to a degree that can only be achieved by someone with a truly rare intellectual gift.

And what he did with words, and imagination, was simply startling. My jaw literally dropped the first time I read him, and it has never stopped dropping each time I pick up something of his to read.

—Mike Moore

- - - -

As bizarre as it sounds, DFW felt like a loved one to me. Reading him is like conversing with a wise and compassionate teacher, one who understands how hard it is to feel human in our fractured world.

It might be a total cliché to claim that a book, writer, song, film, whatever, changed your life, but DFW understood that clichés contain an essential truth that we feel too cynical or cool to accept. I don’t know how else to put it—his work changed my life. It’s impossible to read his Kenyon commencement speech without feeling a renewed sense of compassion for everyone you encounter. His essays, short stories, and novels helped alleviate the anxiety of our times by documenting and sharing them in palpable form.

—Andrew Butler

- - - -

David Foster Wallace’s work has had such a significant impact on my own journey as a writer that it’s hard to imagine where I’d be without him. When The Broom of the System fell into my hands, it was revelatory to me in terms of what a writer was allowed to do. Certainly Wallace had his own well-known influences, and other writers out there were doing some revolutionary stuff, but his was the first that I’d read, and it completely rocked my world. It was the equivalent of someone coming up and giving me a good shove, saying, “Hey, lady, you know, we already had a Jane Austen and she didn’t suck. Maybe try doing your own thing, however ‘out there’ it might seem, and see what happens.”

A dozen or so years of doing my own thing later (during which time I read everything else he ever wrote), I had the good fortune to be offered my first book deal by none other than Little, Brown, longtime publisher of my literary hero. No one with any lick of sense would consider my work with the seriousness of Wallace’s—not the point. But in my small mind there is an indisputable link between those events, and I’m sticking by that. My heart is broken, and I offer my thoughts and prayers to those who were close to him.

—Elizabeth Crane

- - - -

The Tuesday after his death, I put aside Sophocles and had my students (high-school seniors) take turns reading aloud the beginning of DFW’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.” New to his prose, they laughed aloud, marked phrases with relish, shook their heads in awe and puzzlement, and left the room chatty, under a spell, way more alive than usual.

—Ron Fletcher

- - - -

David Foster Wallace must have understood our time, our predicament, better than anyone. He was the anti-Rosencrantz/Guildenstern. He writing is persistent, thorough, and therefore optimistic. He dared to follow ideas into the abyss, beyond the normal barriers of patience and trepidation. I loved him for this. It’s not enough to say that he was a genius as a writer. He was a master purveyor of empathy. Something to aspire to.

—Mark McAdam

- - - -

I talked about him all the time, to the point that friends and family begged me to desist. I found myself grabbing people by their shirt collars at parties and telling them they had to go buy A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again—like, right now.

For a long time, my litmus test with new boyfriends was what they thought of Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, especially “#6,” the one about the hippie, the cad, and the serial killer. If they weren’t into it, I could already see the sun setting on our relationship. He made me feel less lonely. His kindness astonished me and forever changed my ideas about what writing could do.

I only met him once. At the Skylight Bookstore in L.A. He was giving a reading, and I made my boyfriend get there two hours early with me so we could get good seats. Afterward, I waited an hour in line to meet him. I said nothing coherent. All I remember is blushing deeply and babbling useless words, like “thank you,” wishing I could explain.

—Kimberly Cutter

- - - -

I am heartbroken. David Foster Wallace is no longer around: keenly observing, forging acronyms, reanimating lifeless OED entries, and creating sentences that make us spit out our beer, sputtering as we reread and shout to whoever’s nearby: “You gotta listen to this!”

There will be no more stammering at readings as he scrunches his brow and adjusts his glasses and waffles over how he really feels about an audience question. Those things actually mattered to him, visibly so. There will be no new moments of shaking our heads at new DFW prose, no reading words so spot-on that we are changed, forever changed, by his insight, his way of seeing, his ability to make you cry and feel and beat your head against a wall and kick your sneakers at the heavens.

—Alex Ross

- - - -

I travel a lot. Years ago, I encountered a new kind of toilet on jetliners. When you flushed, the toilet unleashed a tremendous vacuum force that produced a terrifying howling sound. It made you think that, if you were not careful, you might be sucked into the toilet and lost forever. If you’ve been on a train or a plane in the past decade, you’ve seen this toilet. That first time I used one, I jumped in fright and still looked shaken when I returned to my seat.

A few years later, I was reading David Foster Wallace’s essay “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.” Suddenly, there, in his piece about a nightmare cruise, was the howling toilet. He described the shock of the toilet’s industrial force, and then the fear he might be sucked into it (footnote 72). Until I read that passage, that toilet had been a private memory, the possibility of being sucked into it a secret fear. But now there it was in the pages I was reading. The toilet made a second appearance in the essay, when, to DFW’s (and the reader’s) amazement, the cruise-ship director tells the passengers about the time his wife was actually sucked partway into one of the ship’s suction toilets.

Among the million other things he did, David Foster Wallace picked out details that were absurd, unlikely, hilarious, and yet, somehow, completely familiar. It was one of his ways of reminding us we are not alone, that we are all in this mess together. It made his stories reassuring and tender and heartbreaking, and it made reading them seem like listening to a friend.

—Sean Carman

- - - -

All missing is selfish? While I’ve only ever read enough of his writing to make me flee immediately from the page in terror, joyful at its beauty—and loved to listen to him speak—and looked forward to the day I’d be brave enough to truly read him, I always hoped someday to write something he would enjoy reading. Knowing his ears were out there made better thinking possible, yes? Now we have to imagine them.

—Lawrence Krauser

- - - -

Yesterday, I carried around Infinite Jest in anticipation of reading it for the fourth time, stopping at stoplights to crack to any page and find that, even in the face of such sadness, we still can laugh aloud, and that, though David Foster Wallace might be gone, there is still so much of him to treasure.

—Blake Butler

- - - -

Infinite Jest was my introduction to metafiction, and I waxed evangelical about it to anyone who would listen. To me, he was the new millennium’s new Dostoyevsky. He saw people as we really are, and he tried to love us anyway.

—Carolyn Alcott

- - - -

I felt a strangely personal connection to his writing, to the quirky and dangerously intelligent narrator behind it. I often found myself blown away at his disregard for the rules of standard writing, as if he were flaunting his intense knowledge of those rules by ignoring them.

Through Wallace, I developed a zeal for grammar and, believe it or not, much of my philosophy of teaching English to high-school students. I would not be who I am without David Foster Wallace’s writing. I never knew him, but it felt like I did.

—Gus Butler

- - - -

I remember first reading his account of the Illinois State Fair in Harper’s. I was blown away by his reporting skills. He saw the same things anyone else would see, but he would mentally arrange his observations into a narrative that only he could share. Also, it was fucking hilarious. I’m a journalist, and it inspired me to look at everything a little closer, with a little more empathy than irony.

—Betsey Guzior

- - - -

I am an 11th-grade English teacher committed to exposing my students to different, vibrant authors. It was in that spirit that I presented “The View From Mrs. Thompson’s” to my class this year on September 11. My students instantly warmed to Wallace’s wit, sincerity, and willingness to speak the vulnerable truth. Teaching writing is easy when you have writers like David Foster Wallace to work from. Delivering the news to some of his newest teenage fans was not.

—Kara Ukolowicz

- - - -

Mine is not the story of an encounter with DFW but, rather, a note recognizing the weirdness of this, the problematic depth of loss, something which, seeing that it has been caused by a stranger, is new and unsettling to me. In reading him, we fought to varying degrees to keep pace with the extraordinary scope and elasticity of his mind, perhaps flattering ourselves that we “got it,” and perhaps that we “got him,” if not in totality, at least in part. The part that treated the most incredible collection of real and imagined characters with respect and care, pulling humor and hope out of some unlikely scenarios. I don’t think it’s overstating it to say that his had become a friend’s voice, one we looked to for entertainment, information, a good argument, for laughing. This contributes, I think, to the extent of the loss. His work had become a balm for soothing the modern head. It is nothing but sad.

—Glen Martin

- - - -

David Foster Wallace was my favorite author. I am better because he wrote books. I recognize my own inclinations toward sanitizing cruelty and objectification because of Orin Incandenza. I can hold at bay my need for constantly streaming paralyzing self-criticism because of Don Gately and Brief Interviews. I am funnier and more patient because of Mario, Pemulis, and Himself. I am kinder because of the Illinois State Fair.

I loved him like a teenager, and I feel completely awkward and unsatisfied to be a grown woman carrying around this gaudy, pink broken heart.

—Alison Grinter

- - - -

Last winter, I won a scholarship and left my home in Chile to attend Amherst College. I knew that DFW went to Amherst, so I tried to find something about him at the school. I also knew that he liked tennis. So I went to the gym. I looked all over the walls, all over the photograph gallery. Then I found a picture of a guy playing tennis. It seemed like DFW. But maybe it wasn’t him. I just felt comfortable thinking that it was him. And I’m still not sure if the guy in the picture was DFW. But I believed (and I believe until this day) it was him. And when I read about DFW’s death I thought about that picture. Then I went to my bookshelf and I picked Oblivion.

I read until it was very, very late.

—Antonio Díaz Oliva

- - - -

The stories he wrote and the ways he told them have had a profound effect on the way I think about the world, from the way I speak to the way I write interoffice e-mails at work—especially the way I write interoffice e-mails.

—Zach Vogt

- - - -

I never met David Foster Wallace, and I won’t presume to say that I felt that I knew the man through his writing, but he sure seemed to know me. The wry observations of life and the people that live it in the late ‘90s and early ’00s, their foibles and petty triumphs, all were immediately recognizable in both myself and in the people around me. Wallace’s gift was that he was able to pick out the minutiae in people’s mannerisms and extrapolate them to a larger, more common condition that we all, knowingly and unknowingly, labor under. I’m thinking here of his discussion of being a tourist in his essay “Consider the Lobster,” or what it was like to feel slightly alienated from people feeling much stronger emotions than myself on 9/11 in “The View From Mrs. Thompson’s.”

I was very taken with the controlled rage he displayed in “How Tracy Austin Broke My Heart.” The piece starts as a dissection of the sports memoir, but then moves into what it means to be able to verbally articulate one’s talent. The sense of disgust with the genre is palpable throughout the essay, but the conclusion he reaches, that the very inability to intellectualize about one’s talent is the very essence of that talent, opened a whole new method of thinking for me. As did his commencement speech at Kenyon College, which, for me, boiled down to a simple plea for people to treat each other as people and not be so quick to judge based on our preconceptions of them.

David Foster Wallace tempered his cynicism and his irony with a sincere humanity that is largely lost in popular fiction. That’s what I related to when I read his words, and what I admired most. The courage that it takes to stand up and say “I don’t like this aspect of how our culture has progressed, and I don’t know what to do about it, but maybe acknowledging that this exists in myself may somehow make it better or easier for all of us.” I will truly miss that.

—James Mason

- - - -

The promise of a talking parrot was enough to entice me to read The Broom of the System. I had no idea what I was getting into. It was so smart and so funny, but, more importantly, it was heartfelt and inspiring. When I watched interviews of him on YouTube, I was so glad to have found a smart young contemporary writer who wore bandannas. I’m sad that he’s gone, but at least I have Infinite Jest to look forward to.

—Bradley Petering

- - - -

I found David Foster Wallace’s work while I was in graduate school for Classics. Infinite Jest was a wonderful escape from my coursework (and one that lasted for quite a while, happily). But now I realize that his writing ushered me into the real world. It was thoughtful and hopeful, and encouraged me to be the same. I am a better person for having read him.

Requiescat in pace.

—Alex Tetlak

- - - -

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is!

Toward the end of 1996, I was in my parents’ living room reading a Time magazine. It was one of those year-end wrap-up issues, with various lists and capsule reviews of the best books, films, art, and so on of the year soon to bow out. This was my senior year of high school. I had a girlfriend, or was moving toward having a girlfriend—my first “real” girlfriend. I was reading the magazine and in the books section one book caught my eye: Infinite Jest, by David Foster Wallace. I don’t remember why, but something in the capsule review sparked my interest. I had always been a reader, but this book—1,079 pages, about an “entertainment” called Infinite Jest that is so pleasurable that those who saw it lost all desire to do anything but watch it, and thus died—seemed a whole other order of magnitude beyond what I’d been reading.

I bought the book. I think this was in December. I bought the book and started reading it. For the whole second half of my last year of high school, January through May or thereabouts, I read Infinite Jest. I read it in class, and got in trouble for it. I gave it to my girlfriend, Shannon, for Valentine’s Day, and she was touched because a boy had never given her a book before.

Infinite Jest was indeed about this entertainment, but it was about so much more. It was about addiction and a real American sort of sadness; it was about the future, and maybe where we were headed. It was also about two characters, Don Gately and Hal Incandenza—characters that are as alive to me as any other real living and breathing person. They live with me still today.

Infinite Jest turned me on to serious reading, and to the style of writing that I’ve come most to prefer: the sprawling, encyclopedic novel. David Foster Wallace turned me on to Pynchon, to Joyce, to Gaddis, to DeLillo. DFW—as he would come to be known to me—made me want to be a writer. But why?

For this reason: Infinite Jest made me feel less alone. And DFW meant to do that. In an interview published in 1993 in The Review of Contemporary Fiction, he said the following:

I had a teacher I liked who used to say good fiction’s job was to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. I guess a big part of serious fiction’s purpose is to give the reader, who like all of us is sort of marooned in her own skull, to give her imaginative access to other selves. Since an ineluctable part of being a human self is suffering, part of what we humans come to art for is an experience of suffering, necessarily a vicarious experience, more like a sort of generalization of suffering. Does this make sense? We all suffer alone in the real world; true empathy’s impossible. But if a piece of fiction can allow us imaginatively to identify with characters’ pain, we might then also more easily conceive of others identifying with our own. This is nourishing, redemptive; we become less alone inside. It might be just that simple.

And but so, ever since that late winter, spring, and early summer of 1997, I’ve been trying to write—and trying somehow, in my own small way, to follow in David Foster Wallace’s footsteps: to make others, through writing, feel less alone.

Rest in peace, DFW.

—Hunter R. Slaton

- - - -

David’s search for existential understanding, his merciless self-examination, and his quest for a compassionate authenticity were so brave. I reread his story “Good People” this morning—that last line—"to pray for … simple courage … and trust his heart."

His loss is a shard in my heart.

—Lauren B. Davis

- - - -

As a writer who focuses almost exclusively on popular culture, I turned to DFW’s work whenever I felt like the deeper meanings were slipping away from my grasp. To read his books of essays, or to go back to Infinite Jest for a few minutes of random reading, was to see again how sharp thinking and even sharper writing could bring it all back into focus. He looked beyond the seemingly random details around us and not only identified the patterns of behavior but connected them to the deeper yearnings of the soul. He made it seem effortless, too, which it clearly wasn’t. But there was joy in his writing, and real respect for the people he was writing about, no matter how silly they could be.

—Peter Carlin

- - - -

If it weren’t for Dave, I really don’t think I’d have any understanding of the world around me. It sounds hyperbolic, but the man was a genius—he managed to say so much with so little, and, considering how long his works were, it just meant that he was saying so much more than anyone else around him. I willfully gave months of my life to Infinite Jest, and I’m still reaping the rewards. What hurts me most is that I had just started reading him a little less than a year ago; I was looking forward so eagerly to growing up with the rest of his stories and novels and articles, and probably something from an entirely new literary genre that he would make up some few years down the road. I know I miss him terribly.

—Jeffrey Moro

- - - -

When I began Infinite Jest, I wasn’t impressed. Or, rather, I was, but he was so obviously pyrotechnically clever that my initial reaction was, “So this guy is clever. Big fucking deal.” For people who’ve read Infinite Jest, I’ve found it true that the turning point happens somewhere between pages 250 and 300. That’s where you either give up or come across a scene or moment that hits a chord and you’re handcuffed to the book until the end.

For me, it’s the scene where James Incandenza’s father talks about the holiness of inanimate objects, and the way that Marlon Brando performed a major disservice to the world by treating objects with such seeming contempt and dismissiveness. When, actually, Brando was such a poet of casual, seemingly flippant behavior that the incredible care he took had become invisible. And that the consequences of such craft and skill were monstrous. Worlds opened up inside me the moment I read that section, at a café table in North Beach.

—Maya Gurantz

- - - -

David Foster Wallace was a writer who just had a way of guiding you through the most complex, frustrating, discouraging, and nauseatingly normal problems people face in their everyday lives. He’d address an issue, explain to us in words we could understand the layers of intricacies that were the actual foundations of the angst, disillusionment, anger, or sadness we were feeling, laugh with us, and then guide us to cope.

He was never a writer to express anger for the sake of anger. He was never volatile, off the cuff, or whiny. He was calm, focused. He was the wise voice of reason that could make your mind careen and your throat close up with despair and then explain why it was all worth it.

—Bryan Woods

- - - -

A couple of nights after his death, I was at the Brattle Theater in Cambridge, Massachusetts, for a Juliana Hatfield concert. I worked the merchandise table, hawking copies of her memoir for the bookstore I work in. During Hatfield’s set, I kept zoning out; DFW had been in my head all day and I kept attempting to conjure up exotic adjectives that he would, potentially, implement in order to describe the theater. Then, as if on cue, she dedicated a song to him and added simply, “So sad.” In lieu of a personal story or further description, she had summed it all up perfectly in two words. It was so sad, I thought as I snapped out of my daydream.

—Mike Arria

 

One thought on “Read My Essay Back To Me By Cueshe

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *